Limericks Sent in by Readers
There once was a lady from Spain |
Who got sick as she rode on a train |
Not once, but again, |
And again and again, |
And again and again and again. |
—Contributed by Don Andreatta |
A limerick packs laughs anatomical |
Into space that is quite economical |
But the good ones I've seen |
Are so seldom clean |
And the clean ones |
Are so seldom comical! |
—Contributed by David McWethy |
A vicious young vandal named Vic |
Devised an ingenious trick; |
From his mother's best clock |
He extracted the tock, |
Leaving only a lopsided tick. |
—Contributed by Douglas Woodworth |
There was an odd fellow named Gus |
Who, when traveling, made such a fuss, |
Was banned from the train |
Not allowed on a plane |
And now travels only by bus. |
—Contributed by Bill Atkinson |
A canner exceedingly canny |
One morning remarked to his granny, |
"A canner can can |
Anything that he can, |
But a canner can't can a can, can he?" |
—Carolyn Wells |
(Contributed by George Kovac) |
There once was a man named Hall |
Who died in the spring in the fall. |
'Twould have been a sad thing |
Had he died in the spring |
But he didn't, he died in the fall. |
—Contributed by Bill Pellow |
There once was a lady from Ryde |
Who ate some green apples and died. |
The apples fermented |
Inside the lamented |
And made cider inside her insides. |
—Contributed by Bill Pellow |
Flappity, floppity, flip, |
The mouse on the Moebius strip. |
The strip revolved, |
The mouse dissolved |
In a chronodimensional skip. |
—Contributed by John Field |
There once was a man of Fort Orange |
Who longed to make rhymes using orange. |
He quit in despair, |
Hung himself in mid-air, |
Where he swings to and fro like a door 'inge. |
—Contributed by John Field |
There once was a man from Peru |
Whose limericks stopped at line two. |
—Contributed by John Field |
A maiden caught stealing a dahlia, |
Said, "You shan't tell on me, shall ya?" |
But the florist was hot, |
And said, "Like as not, |
They'll send you to jail, you bad gal ya!" |
—Contributed by Kathleen Schulte |
There was an old lady from Hoakum, |
Who'd steal your cigars and then soak 'em, |
In sugar and rum |
And smear 'em with gum |
So it wasn't a pleasure to smoke 'em. |
There was an old man of Peru, |
Who dreamt he was kissing his shoe. |
He woke in the night |
In a terrible fright |
And found it was perfectly true. |
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman |
A young man whose fad was pajamas, |
Wore a suit made of wool from the llamas; |
The unmanly effect |
Made people suspect |
That the outfit was really his mama's. |
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman |
A gentleman living in Troy |
Exhibited symptoms of joy. |
Said his friend, "Goodness me, |
Why these spasms of glee?" |
And the gentleman said, "It's a boy!" |
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman |
There was a young lady from Thrace, |
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace. |
Her mother said, "Nelly, |
There's more in your belly, |
Than ever went in through your face!" |
—Contributed by Kathy Ewing, Oman |
On Solipsism |
The young man said, "God |
Must find it exceedingly odd |
When this tree |
Continues to be |
When there is no one about in the Quad." |
Dear Sir: |
Your astonishment is odd |
For I am always about in the Quad. |
That's why this tree |
Continues to be |
Since last observed by |
Yours truly, |
God |
—Bertrand Russell |
I once took the Duchess to tea |
She was tense as a person could be. |
Her rumblings abdominal |
Were simply phenomenal— |
And everyone thought it was me! |
—Hanna Kirchner |
I'd rather have fingers than toes |
I prefer having eyes to a nose |
And as for my hair |
I'm glad its all there |
I'll be terribly sad when it goes! |
—Dugald Gonsal |
There was a young woman named Bright |
Whose speed was much faster than light. |
She set out one day |
In a relative way, |
And returned on the previous night. |
—Geri Taran |
There was a young man from Japan |
Who's limericks never would scan. |
When asked why this was, |
He said: "Tis because |
I always try and put as many words in the last line as I possibly can." |
—From Barbara Sohngen, Amsterdam |
A tongue-twister limerick! |
A flea and fly in a flue, |
Were imprisoned so what could they do? |
Said the flea let us fly. |
Said the fly let us flee. |
So they flew through a flaw in the flue. |
—Contributed by Paul Ogden (RIP), Israel |
Another tongue-twisting limerick! |
A tutor who tooted a flute, |
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot. |
Said the two to the tutor, |
"Is it harder to toot, or |
To tutor two tooters to toot?" |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
More Limericks from Around the World
There was a young man at Devizes |
Whose ears were of different sizes. |
One was so small, |
It was no use at all |
But the other won several prizes. |
—Contributed by Stella Machado, Brazil |
A wonderful bird is the pelican. |
Its beak can hold more than its belly can. |
It can hold in its beak |
Enough food for a week. |
I'm darned if I know how the hell he can. |
—Contributed by Almut Hahn |
There was a young lady from Speen |
Who grew so abnormally lean |
And flat and compressed |
That her back touched her chest |
And sideways she couldn't be seen. |
—Contributed by Almut Hahn |
I wish that my room had a floor. |
I don't so much care for a door. |
But this walking around |
Without touching the ground |
Is getting to be quite a bore. |
—Contributed by Almut Hahn |
According to experts, the oyster |
In its shell (a crustacean cloister) |
May be frequently be |
Either he or a she |
Or both, if it should be its choice ter. |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
A Canadian fellow named Peck |
Was frozen right up to his neck. |
When asked, "Are you froze?" |
He replied, "I suppose! |
But we don't call this cold in Quebec!" |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
A maiden at college, Miss Keyes, |
Weighted down with BA's and Lit. D's, |
Collapsed from the strain; |
Said her doctor, "It's plain |
You're killing yourself by degrees!" |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
There was a young lady named Banker |
Who slept while the ship lay at anchor; |
She awoke in dismay |
When she heard the mate say, |
"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker!" |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
A fussy old widow named Pease |
Thought her home was infested with fleas; |
So she used gasoline, |
And her form was last seen |
Sailing over the tops of the trees. |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
There was a young wife from Antigua |
Who remarked to her spouse, "What a pigua!" |
He retorted, "My queen, |
Is it manners you mean, |
Or do you refer to my figua?" |
—Submitted by Chris DeSantis |
Limericks Collected by alphaDictionary
There was a young lady one fall |
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball. |
The dress caught fire |
And burned her entire |
Front page, sporting section and all. |
There once was a young man from Lyme |
Who scored a goal for the very first time! |
The young man was glad |
But his teammates were sad |
'Cause he hadn't changed sides at half time! |
There once was a lady named Lynn |
Who was so uncommonly thin, |
That when she assayed |
To drink lemonade, |
She slipped through the straw and fell in! |
There was a young maiden, a Sioux, |
As tempting as fresh honeydioux. |
She displayed her cute knees |
As she strolled past tepees, |
And the braves, they all hollered "Wioux-Wioux!" |
There was a young man from the Clyde |
Who fell down a sewer and died |
Along came his brother, |
Who fell down another |
And now they're interred side by side! |
By beauty I am not a star. |
There are others more handsome by far. |
My face I don't mind it, |
Because I'm behind it. |
It's the people in front that I jar. |
There once was a boy from Montreal |
Who loved to play basketball |
For a team he tried out |
But if he made it, I doubt |
For you see, he was three feet tall! |
An old fellow dining at Crewe |
Found a very large bug in his stew. |
Said the waiter, "Don't shout |
And wave it about, |
Or the rest will be wanting one too. |
There once was a girl from Great Britain |
Who carelessly sat on her kitten |
Imagine her surprise |
And the look in her eyes |
When on the behind she was bitten. |
There was a plump knight named Sir Keith |
Who removed his sword from its sheath. |
He fought for his honor |
But soon was a goner |
And the dragon stood picking his teeth. |
There was a young woman of Leeds |
Who swallowed six packets of seeds. |
In a month, silly lass, |
She was covered with grass, |
And she couldn't sit down for the weeds. |
Roses can sometimes be red |
And violets are generally blue |
For it's not in the rhyming |
But all in the timing |
That makes a dumb Limerick true. |
There was an odd fellow named Gus |
Who, when traveling, made such a fuss, |
Was banned from the train |
Not allowed on a plane |
And now travels only by bus. |
—Contributed by Bill Atkinson |
There was a young lady from Nantuckett |
With a bustle as big as a bucket |
So she filled it with oats |
And two sly billy goats |
Snuck up from behind her and tucket! |
—Contributed by Lisa Paul |
A canner exceedingly canny |
One morning remarked to his granny, |
"A canner can can |
Anything that he can, |
But a canner can't can a can, can he?" |
—Carolyn Wells |
(Contributed by George Kovac) |